When Praise Stops Being Kind

Gelme: Support has to come from something you believe.

If you genuinely see value in a person’s work, you want to support them. But if the work is not good, pretending otherwise is not really support.

Sometimes it is better to say, “I see value in what you are trying to do, but I don’t think this particular thing works. Maybe you should rethink it.”

Truth in your perception is important.

I think you feel better when you express what you really think instead of lying, and sometimes it can help the other person reevaluate what they are doing and make something better.

I notice in America that people often say, “Oh, you look so good. That’s great,” and then they can turn around and say something completely different.

I don’t want to offend people, but I think lying to them can sometimes be worse than telling the truth.

The Other Voice: Real support probably cannot be separated from honesty.

But honesty and cruelty are not the same thing.

There is a difference between saying, “This doesn’t work for me, and this is why,” and presenting your personal judgment as if it is the absolute truth.

Praise can also be selfish when we use it only because we do not want an uncomfortable conversation.

And criticism can be selfish when somebody criticizes mostly because they want to show how much they know.

Honest feedback needs sincerity, but also humility.

Gelme: I come from Lithuania, which was part of the Soviet Union when I was growing up.

In that culture there was much more criticism and much less praise.

Sometimes criticism can become so strong that you stop believing in yourself.

You may even stop creating because you already expect criticism before you begin.

Then I came to America, and I encountered almost the opposite.

At work and in many situations, people are trained to praise everything.

And that has another problem.

You may not see what you are doing wrong.

So I think it has to be somewhere in the middle.

Not false praise because you do not want to offend somebody.

And not criticism because you want to show that you understand more than they do.

The Other Voice: Maybe the middle is not really about giving equal amounts of praise and criticism.

Maybe it is simply sincerity.

If something is extraordinary, say so.

If something does not work, say that too.

Then the positive words have more value because the negative ones are also possible.

Gelme: Yes.

Because if somebody tells you everything is wonderful all the time, eventually you don’t know what those words mean anymore.

And if somebody criticizes everything, especially when you are young, you can begin to believe that nothing you do will ever be good enough.

Neither one really helps.

Support should not mean protecting somebody from every uncomfortable truth.

It should help them continue—but also help them become better.